Mixed Emotions

I sit here Christmas Eve as my mom prepares to leave to go housesit for the night and I am strangely melancholy. I am not sure why but still it plagues me just the same. I want to cry and yet I know it's silly. Maybe I am over tired. Somehow spending Christmas Eve alone doesn't suit me. Yes there are people upstairs but the way the kids are running around, banging on the floor and screaming just doesn't sound inviting. I will deal with that plenty tomorrow when more of them show up to open presents. Today mom and I spent a nice day with our church and then went to a candle light service which I enjoyed. Somehow singing Silent Night by candle light seems right and I love it each time I get to participate in such an event. Then we came home, watched a movie, had popcorn and now she is leaving. Tomorrow will be anything but relaxing, the true meaning of Christmas is not really a part of the festivities here and then I head to work. I know it's just another day but somehow I feel like something is missing. I miss my old family, the way it used to be, (dad if you read this please call me, I miss you and you haven't answered my calls or e-mails) I miss the family I always thought I would have by now and I miss the fact that I don't have anything to offer. I don't have a home to invite needy people too, I don't have a husband or family to show the world what a Christian family should be like, I don't have a family to adopt children into, I don't even have a steady, secure job, I don't have the resources to do the things I dream of doing. I know people say, "Oh just offer yourself and that is enough." but I wonder, is it? I am so frail, so weak and so imperfect...do I really show the Lord to the world around me? That is what matters and do I do that in my daily life??? I fall so short, so often.

As I ponder my future I guess I am wondering what it holds. If I go forward with the plan that I feel the Lord is leading me on to become a nurse am I looking at a life of many Christmas eves alone? Will I be called to live a life of service without the things that I dream of? Its funny how I am usually just fine and content that then something happens and I find myself feeling dreadfully alone. I think it's all the couple, the babies, the couples with children and how happy they look. (Trust me I know it's not really all roses and beautiful, delightful children...anyone can get dressed up and look happy for a little while at the mall or at church.) There were some little kids at church today that I played with. While we all watched a video I laid on the floor and they sat on my back and combed my hair for quite a while. Soon though they got in their minivan and went home. Most of the time I say that's why I love other people's kids, because you can send them home again, but then in the blink of an eye I want my own. How silly is that??? In my sane moments I realize how good my life is, single, nothing to tie me down, freedom and the ability to be used by the Lord how ever and where ever He wants but in a few of my other moments I rebel and wonder when I will have learned enough, why do I always have to be the one rejoicing with my friends and their relationships and yet still single? When will He give me the opportunity to have a husband, a home of my own, even without kids would be ok at this point, or am I destined to be an old maid???? If that is the life he wants for me am I willing to do that and count it a small thing for the Lord? Could I be happy and live a life of fulfillment like so many great people who were single all their lives? Most of the time I could say unequivocally yes but tonight for just a little while I don't know. I am sure by tomorrow I will feel ok about my life again but tonight I wish for just a little more.

I don't like all this change, I am scared. What if I can't do the nursing program? What if I am not smart enough to handle all the things you have to memorize and the Latin names for everything and all the abbreviations? I don't even know where I'll end up going to school yet. The thought of moving away to go to school where I don't know anyone terrifies me. I hate the thought of leaving my animals, my friends, my community, and my mom alone. I know she will be fine...will I, I wonder. I know I should be excited, I should be looking forward to great things that the Lord has in store, I should be looking at all the people I might meet along the way but right now change scares me and I feel completely overwhelmed with the thought of going somewhere new by myself and being even more alone. I am aware that I am never really completely alone, that God is always with me but sometimes I am weak and wish for human companionship in a different way. Right now I wish I had someone who would hold me and tell me they love me, it's all a bad dream, it's not really happening and I am not really facing all these decisions and my future is looking pretty clear. I know I shouldn't be such a baby because I know thousands of people make big changes all the time and there are millions of single people out there who are very happy. Somehow at the moment that doesn't seem to be helping...It will be ok...I will make it through this...and one day I'll look back and wonder why I was so scared, why I dreaded it so much. I will probably look back on these years and say "Wow I really had a good life then...things were so interesting and full and I wouldn't mind being 27 again!"

Now that I have sobbed my way through writing this post I am quite tired and should go to bed. Aren't you thankful that most of the time I have sane moments and don'e ask these kinds of questions??? :-) I know the tenor of this post might surprise some of you and I am sorry to have made you read such a plethora of questions you can not answer.