Overwhelmed

The last few days have been trying ones for me and it's taken me a little bit to figure out why. I have just been exhausted and somewhat short tempered and its just not me. After having given it some serious thought I have figured out why: I have been overwhelmed. Ever since my brain injury I have had a much lower tolerance for choices but I know this and am usually able to compensate. The last few days though have been another story. Not only am I tired and exhausted from all the months of conflict at work I have been suddenly finding myself in situations with overwhelming options and it's caught me off guard.

Right now in chemistry class we are dealing with some areas that have so many options my brain is reeling after each class and I haven't been able to adequately process them. In my nutrition class we have been talking about all the choices out there for American shoppers and to illustrate that we had to go to the grocery store and count the choices available to us in a few departments. Even though I didn't have to make any choices or actually purchase anything the very act of having to go and count the items and recognize that there are 45 different choices of bagged salad and over a 175 different options for yogurt was just too much. For someone who has been known to leave a store in tears after having spent 45 min. trying to buy toothpaste this was a very overwhelming exercise.

Then moving away from the smaller issues of which one of the 11 option of carrots I would buy to something a little more important as to which job I should take it gets even more exhausting. People have been so helpful and each day I am presented with new job opportunities that people are so kind to share with me. It's a wonderful thing to have so many helpful friends but there are too many options. The current place of employment it really toying with my emotional health and making me make all the disicions because they aren't communicating with me at all. They won't answer my questions, tell everyone else things instead of me so I am only hearing things through the grapevine but only half the story, etc. Everyday I am faced with who to ask, how much to push, whether I should just leave, maybe it will get better, everyone else's opinion when they come to me with the latest thing that they have heard, etc. It's overload to begin with and that doesn't even begin to touch the real questions like: Which jobs should I even apply for? Should I wait for the ones that I have applied for to get back to me or should I just apply for all of them and see who calls? Should I take the first one that offers me a job or should I wait until I have heard from all of them? Should I take one that I might not look at as a long term solution just until something better comes along or should I wait? Or should I just forget the whole works and stay where I am even though it's a bad situation and will involve a pay cut just on the chance that I could help someone there? And then which one do I really want because several of the potential options sounds interesting? Can you see my dilemma?

The whole thing is leaving me drained. I fear if I have to make another decision I will be pushed over the edge. My poor lab partner the other night was asking me such simple questions as "do you want to measure out this stuff or should be take turns or how do you want to do this?" and all I could say was, "I want you to do it and I am sorry I need to step outside." Some helpful lab partner I am. Then I come home and mom wants to know what I want for dinner. "Food will be fine, thank you." I really couldn't care less. If you fix a real dinner or leave me to make a PB sandwich, it really doesn't matter. Food isn't a huge deal to me in the first place and to have to choose something is more than I care to do. Can anyone say, "leftovers"?!

I think after tomorrow I need to take a few days and just study for the two big tests I have coming up, not make any big decisions and pray a lot. I need to regroup and get some clarity. Ugh...I hate making decisions. Is it any wonder that one of my favorite types of vacations are cruises? You get on the boat, they take you someone, you have a few options of things to do, you know where you are eating and sleeping and then you get back on and go to the next place. That is a vacation, the decision making is kept to a minimum and you can focus on having fun. Road trips are fun if the purpose is clear from the beginning, either to just drive and see what there is to be seen or to get to a specific place, otherwise they are torture because the whole way you have make decisions and try to figure out the time you have verses the things you might want to see, in addition to where to eat and sleep and how many hours you should drive, etc. Talk about torture. I usually end up in tears more than once.

Ok enough of my little pity party...It seems I might be having some more free time in the next few weeks and I would love to get together with any of you but just don't ask me what I would like to do. Just call me and say, "hey I have an hour or two, would you like to meet at such and such a place?" That sort of choice I can probably make!