What if...
Have you ever wondered what if your best isn't good enough? What if you work really hard for something and then you second guess yourself when it really matters and make a big mistake that pretty much wastes everything you worked for? How will you respond? Will you think its all been a waste? Will you able to go ahead and chalk it up to experience and let it go? Or what if it is only the tip of an even crueler iceberg? Even if it's something that might seem small to everyone else what if it's only a symptom of what might happen later with something that REALLY matter? If you can't even get through something small without second guessing yourself and messing it up what about your future, your education, career, marriage, important relationships, your salvation, and any number of other things that matter? How do you just "let it go" when you see people all around you making choices that effect them and other for a long time to come and you have no guarantee that you won't make the same mistakes, especially when you find yourself making mistake after mistake no matter how hard you try????? What if the next one is the one that really matters and you choke???
Enough unanswerable questions for one post.
posted by Crystal @ 12:47 PM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
Unanswerable, yes...but very thought-provoking!
Thanks Abbie...I guess it was my goal to be thought-provking but if the truth were to be known I only stopped writting where I did because I was sobbing to much to see what I was writing. Ever since taking a test last week where I second guessed myself and didn't write down an answer that could potentially have very far reaching effects on my grade in the entire class, I haven't quite stopped crying. I have spent some part of every day since in tears angry over my stupidity. I had the answer on my calculator but I didn't write it down because I second guessed myself and thought for sure it wasn't right so on my calculator it stayed and down went my grade. I found out tonight it would have changed my grade an entire grade letter with just that one question.
I don't know why I can't let it go. I never cry like this but every day since when I think of the test I cry and even tonight I had to leave class when we were going over the test and lock myself in a bathroom stall until I could stop crying and get it togther again. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know it's only a test but that's why they call them tests and I am obviousely failing something with this one. I also know that other people got the same question wrong but that still doesn't help. I failed myself and I haven't quite figured out how to "let go".
What have I learned so far that might be useful??? uh...don't drive while crying at night because it makes the lights from the other cars disorienting oh and if you have the chance to write things down, do even if you think they might be wrong because who knows they might be right. Oh and I guess something I know but can't seem to practice right now: Be kind to yourself, you are all you have and even if you don't like yourself right now the theory is that it will get better.
Enough about my sorry little prediciment. I should just suck it up, stop crying and go to bed. Maybe someday I'll be able to forgive myself. Time heals all wounds they say...hope it works on self inflicted one.
Signed,
Paitently waiting for it to "get better"
Oh, dear, Crystal--I'm so sorry!! Don't beat yourself up over it. We all make foolish mistakes!
Oh Crystal! That's tough. It reminds me of a grade 5 Geography test I took long ago. I failed it horribly, and spent the next consecutive months in absolute misery. Late one night, I tearfully confessed the whole thing to my parents. All it took was five minutes to rectify a two month disaster! What an amazing relief :) You've got to be able to forgive yourself as totally as God has forgiven you. In the words of a good friend: "confess, repent and move on." And that comes from someone who has an awful lot to forgive of late...
Praying for you!
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