From the heart

I don't really know how to introduce this post...maybe there really isn't a way...

One of the questions that I get from people is, "Why is a pretty girl like you still single?" or "I know this really great guy..." and I am sometimes left stuttering around trying to come up with an appropriate answer. Does that mean sometimes I don't wonder the same thing myself? Do I sometimes wonder as more and more of my friends get married and are now starting to have kids why I am ever the bridesmaid and never the bride? Of course I do but then I feel guilty like maybe somehow I am doubting God's leading or maybe even worse I am just never supposed to be married and am I content with that? I have a good life, an interesting one as someone recently suggested to me, and further more I know that just because I have man in my life I will not be whole so I have struggled with these questions for sometime off and on. (I know some of my readers are much younger than I am so you may not have had quite as many years to wonder but imagine yourself in 10 years and you can imagine there are plenty of opportunities to ponder this topic.)
Yesterday I bought a book that brought this whole thing up again and while it's not all clear to me I am about half done with the book and I wanted to share a few thoughts that are finally starting to come together. The book is called, "Do You Think I am Beautiful" by Angela Thomas. As I read the first chapter I cried because she was talking about me in so many ways. As a teenager I was that steady one and guys would say to me, "You are the kind of girl I would want to settle down and marry but right now I want to have fun." I felt a lot of internal pressure to be perfect and prove to someone that I was worthy of notice because my looks were certainly not going to get it. I was friendly to everyone and dependable, I made up for what I consider my lack of good looks by being involved and smart because if nothing else it got me noticed by people who were older. In effect to say to the guys, "Your opinion doesn't matter because see the adults who really know what's up notice me. So there!" (No I didn't think of this at the time and I won't say that if I had it to do over again I would be any less involved but I do think I would have a different reason behind it.) I developed a pretty thick skin and stuck my nose up at those stupid guys who couldn't see something that was good for them if it hit them across the head. One the other hand I wished and dreamed of getting noticed by even just one guy who really was worth something. It never happened and I was left with nothing more than dreams. Then I went on to College. By that time many things in my life had changed and I really didn't have the time or energy to worry about the relationship issue but still hanging in the back of my head was, "When I have the time am I even pretty enough to catch someones eye? Is there anyone out there that would even remotely consider me beautiful enough to want to share their life with me." Around this time many of my friends started getting married and I just wondered, walked down the isle in pretty dresses and cried when they went away on their honeymoons. As the years have gone on (I am only 26, not to make it sound like I have one foot in the grave or anything) I have come to understand my self much better and I have learned to rely on the Lord much more for love and acceptence but I realized as I read this book I still have a long way to go.
I worry because maybe I am showing a lack of faith when I wonder and or I get frusterated because it's even something I consider. Shouldn't I just be content to not even think about these things. Why is this need even there? Well my dears if Angela is right we woman are wired to ask these questions. The question is who and where do we turn for the answers? I have not been out seeking men or feeling that if I didn't have a man in my life I was incomplete but I don't think I really thought about God's opinion of me quite as passionate at she brings it out in this book. Angela shares how so many times we have questions and dreams but the more they are not answered or realized we put up walls and start to pretend it doesn't matter. Sometime the walls start to slip leaving us broken and fragile.

Let me share with you a couple of passages so you can see what I mean.
"John Eldredge wrote a book called Wild at Heart. It's a book for men but in it he also speaks profoundly to woman. What Eldredge does, in part, is catch a glimps of the feminine soul and then passionately affirm our unique design.
Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman yearns to be fought for...she wants to be more than noticed- she wants to be wanted. She wants to be pursued...
Wow, he gets it. This guy has listened past the surface of women and heard them ask the questions:
Who will fight for me?
Who will be my hero?
Who will call me beautiful?
...He can see they are legitimately woven into the core of every woman's soul.
...I believe that a woman will struggle with trust, hope, and desire until she allows herself to ask these questions and recieve the answers from God.
...Have you ever heard your heart cry, "Do you think I'm beautiful?" Then let these words enbrace you with their truth:
The king is enthralled with your beauty. (Ps. 45:11)
The God who slung the stars across the heavens...the same One who shaped the mountains and valleys with the palm of His hand...the God whose very breath gives life...that God, the King has always been taken with you.
You have been notice,
he think's you're beautiful,
the glass slipper fits,
the music is playing,
and He's asking you to dance."

The table of contents says it very well:
"If ever there is a question attached to the soul of a woman, maybe it's, "Do you think I am beautiful?" When God answers from the depth of His great love, it makes some of us feel like the wall flower who was asked to dance, but we can become distracted from His invitation because of other lovers, whispers of unbelief, noise and clutter and because we are sometimes the prodigal, sometimes the elder brother.
To return to the music and strong embrace of God requires a desperate and pursuing heart. When a woman chooses to remain in His arms of devotion, God gives the only hope we have, His perfect love and a beautiful crown.
God is so enthralled by the beauty of a woman and calls her His beloved. He wildly pursues her heart with romance and intimacy to make her His beautiful bride."

I was greatly encouraged by this idea of being pursued by God and it made so much sense to me. I can really see how it's not wrong or bad to have those moments of desire to be wanted or wondering if you are even pretty, not even worried about beautful, but the question is how do you deal with them. I think I have tended to push them aside as faithless and not important but I can see now how they are important and they should serve to make me run to the word even more to see what God has to say to me. He does want me and he does think I am beautful as His very own creation regardless of what that means to anyone else in the physical world. I think I have been coming to this realization for some time now but to actually see it in black and white somehow just made me smile and cry and want to shout from the mountain tops, "It does matter and God wants me to desire these things...He want to fight for me, He wants to be my hero and He does think I am beautful."
For me the challenge comes in accepting this love and really living like it's part of me. I have come a long way in the last few years but the road continues to climb and I will continue to hike!

Girls (and guys) until we really learn to fall in love with God in every way we won't be truely prepared to be a true helpmate in any earthly relationships if that is in God's plan for us. We won't even really be whole friends because we will always be looking for something to fill that inner desire for love and acceptance that God has placed with in us. I realize I am preaching to the chior but I had to say it anyway.

Comments??? Thoughts anyone???