Self Reflections

Ever have times in your life where everything seems to be going along like always for a long time and then all of a sudden it seems like everything is new or at the very least you are suddening finding yourself in a lot of new situations, rather out of your comfort zone? It's been a while since this happened to me but the last 3 weeks or so I have been finding myself frequently swimming in uncharted waters and I must say its been humbling, educational, fun, scary, exciting, tiring and interesting.

Now please don't laugh but some of the things I have done in the last few weeks might sound silly to some of you but to me they have been real "first" and they have come with their own set of challenges and learning opportunities. In an effort to share what I have been reflecting on I will mention a few events.

1. The Labor Day hike - I learned a lot about myself, poor communication and how I do or don't react well to certain types of group situations. I hadn't ever hiked with a group quite like that and I learned that hiking with a group was very different than how I usually hike. Some aspects of it I found very trying and by the time it was over I was completely mentally and emotionally exhausted. Overall I enjoy it though and falling in the lake was certainly memorable! Next time I will know what I am in for and I think my expectations will be very different.

2. I don't believe I have ever in my life spent so much time with friends as I have in the last little while and that in itself has been a learning experience. I enjoy people but I am not the life of the party sort of person and often purely social events make me very unsure and I feel very out of place. Some of you might find that surprising. I am much more comfortable with structure and a purpose but I have really pushed myself to join in and attend gatherings where I knew the potential of really being uncomfortable was there. In the end I have generally enjoyed myself but it hasn't been without some real determination. I think the make up of the groups has been a big help and while I don't really know everyone very well I have been able to feel comfortable enough to even act silly here and there, which for me is a big deal. At the same time I really don't have any intentions of becoming one of those giggly, silly girls that never acts her age! Please be sure and tell me if I ever begin to behave in this manner. :-) Balance is my aim. LOL

3. I have learned some new group games, another thing I am not familier with generally. Those I must say have been fun! I have especially enjoyed the ones that used logic and some mental concentration but anyone that witnessed my first attempts at Ping Pong and saw me hit the ball in such a way that it came back down and hit me in the head will testify that I couldn't stop laughing for a long time after that. Many thanks to the rest of the people playing that they just let me keep trying even though I was terrible and long after I should have been out of the game.

4. I started a new job a couple of weeks ago and this time it isn't doing something I have a lot of experience with nor is it something that I felt well trained in before I was one my own. I am working at a local nursing home and I only got 4 evenings of training at the facility, by 3 different people, and then I was on my own. It has been interesting to me how differently the other aides both approach their job and treat new people. The other night when I was on my own for the first time I had nine residents to take care of, get up for dinner, get down and cleaned up for bed, a few beds to re-make and lots of diapers to change and neither of them hardly even said a word to me but would make comments about how fast they were when I was within ear shot or they would just stand and watch me which of course made me wonder if I was doing something wrong. It turns out I wasn't and the supervisor/managment likes me already but it was still a very disconerting experience and one I found very instructive. Towards the end of my shift one aide from another wing came by, took one look at me and said, "Hard night? I know how you feel, let's get this last one to bed." I can't explain what it meant to actually have someone talk to me and just offer a kind word. It was a very good experience for me to be on the other side and know what it's like to be alone and feel out of place and see what a difference attitude makes for someone else. The next time I am tempted to not take the time to encourage someone or to talk to a new person or someone who seems overwhelmed I can assure you I will be praying that I don't sucumb to the temptation.

5. And then of course there was the singing adventure on Tues. evening which taught me a whole lot of things in a very short time! Once again I felt attitude from the audience and that was partly what kept me up there even though things did not go as well I had hoped and practiced for. The importance of having a few people in the audience to refer to was driven home to me in a big way. In a way I think it was very good for me to have gone through this very humbling experience because in the end I know for a certain that it wasn't me that got through it but rather my prayers and the prayers of others in the audience that saw me through it. I know for myself it was good to not have the opportunity to come away saying, "Well that was no big deal. I did pretty well and it was only my first time singing solo. I knew I could do this." Instead I came away embarrassed and very humbled with the amount of support and kindness that was shown to me despite my mistake. I have also been brought face to face with the fact that I am fearful of rejection from others and I have a tendency to question peoples motives and to quickly put negative conentantions to kindness that is shown to me. I hadn't realized this so clearly until recently and now that it has been brought home to me once again I am making it a priority. Fear and lack of trust I must battle stoutly.

I am sure there is more that I could share but I think that enough for now. It has been a tiring but instructive few weeks and a special thanks goes out to all of the people that have been so patient with me in the last little while. Those of you who have listened and processesed with me and those of you who have just encouraged and been there as friends. As I have struggled along for better or worse I have appreciated you all and I have learned so much even if it's things most people would never know or see.

Very soon I will have the rest of the photos that I promised up and I will let you know when those are up. There are photos from the cleaning party at Elliott's house, the recital and of course our trip so if you are interested in seeing photos from any of these events check back soon! So many photos, so little time!

Over and out for now...