Looking Forward

So Christmas has come and gone (I hope yours was wonderful!), the afternoon of ice skating that was enjoyed by many (thanks to some fast planning and phone calling by Kristi and Ethan) is over and now it's time to look forward.

So what is your favorite New Years tradition or do you have any?
What is your favorite or most infamous New Years memory?
And I am curious do any of you make News Years resolutions?

I only have one tradition and it not something I have gotten to do every year. I understand that it got started with my dad's family. It involves getting up on New Years morning and watching the Rose Parade in Pasadina, CA. Even when we lived in a camper in the woods my parents would rent a hotel for the day so that we could have hot showers and watch the parade. Someday I would love to go and experience it live but till then I'll be up by 8am to tune into the HG TV to watch the floats and the bands! I love the bands and I am fasinated by how they put the floats together so I enjoy the after parade making of special feature.

The most unsual place I have ever welcomed in the new year was the back of a 5ton Army Dump truck with a bunch of strangers, eating cold french fries, down in Marrietta. I think I was 17 or so because it was the first year I was old enough to sandbag and there was a need for it. It was the year we had all those ice flows and Marrietta was flooding. I begged my parents to take me to the National Guard Armory when I heard the call for sand baggers. They finally gave in and we all went. After waiting for several hours we finally got to out on the leves. It was as much fun as I thought it would be! I haven't done it again since then because the last time there was flooding it was in Skagit Co. and they had enough sand baggers but they needed people to work in the shelters so I did that instead...not on New Years though!

New Years Resolutions...can't say I have ever really made any. If I did I don't think I would be very good about keeping them. Maybe someday I'll give it a try!

So now it's your turn! What are you memories and traditions????

Mixed Emotions

I sit here Christmas Eve as my mom prepares to leave to go housesit for the night and I am strangely melancholy. I am not sure why but still it plagues me just the same. I want to cry and yet I know it's silly. Maybe I am over tired. Somehow spending Christmas Eve alone doesn't suit me. Yes there are people upstairs but the way the kids are running around, banging on the floor and screaming just doesn't sound inviting. I will deal with that plenty tomorrow when more of them show up to open presents. Today mom and I spent a nice day with our church and then went to a candle light service which I enjoyed. Somehow singing Silent Night by candle light seems right and I love it each time I get to participate in such an event. Then we came home, watched a movie, had popcorn and now she is leaving. Tomorrow will be anything but relaxing, the true meaning of Christmas is not really a part of the festivities here and then I head to work. I know it's just another day but somehow I feel like something is missing. I miss my old family, the way it used to be, (dad if you read this please call me, I miss you and you haven't answered my calls or e-mails) I miss the family I always thought I would have by now and I miss the fact that I don't have anything to offer. I don't have a home to invite needy people too, I don't have a husband or family to show the world what a Christian family should be like, I don't have a family to adopt children into, I don't even have a steady, secure job, I don't have the resources to do the things I dream of doing. I know people say, "Oh just offer yourself and that is enough." but I wonder, is it? I am so frail, so weak and so imperfect...do I really show the Lord to the world around me? That is what matters and do I do that in my daily life??? I fall so short, so often.

As I ponder my future I guess I am wondering what it holds. If I go forward with the plan that I feel the Lord is leading me on to become a nurse am I looking at a life of many Christmas eves alone? Will I be called to live a life of service without the things that I dream of? Its funny how I am usually just fine and content that then something happens and I find myself feeling dreadfully alone. I think it's all the couple, the babies, the couples with children and how happy they look. (Trust me I know it's not really all roses and beautiful, delightful children...anyone can get dressed up and look happy for a little while at the mall or at church.) There were some little kids at church today that I played with. While we all watched a video I laid on the floor and they sat on my back and combed my hair for quite a while. Soon though they got in their minivan and went home. Most of the time I say that's why I love other people's kids, because you can send them home again, but then in the blink of an eye I want my own. How silly is that??? In my sane moments I realize how good my life is, single, nothing to tie me down, freedom and the ability to be used by the Lord how ever and where ever He wants but in a few of my other moments I rebel and wonder when I will have learned enough, why do I always have to be the one rejoicing with my friends and their relationships and yet still single? When will He give me the opportunity to have a husband, a home of my own, even without kids would be ok at this point, or am I destined to be an old maid???? If that is the life he wants for me am I willing to do that and count it a small thing for the Lord? Could I be happy and live a life of fulfillment like so many great people who were single all their lives? Most of the time I could say unequivocally yes but tonight for just a little while I don't know. I am sure by tomorrow I will feel ok about my life again but tonight I wish for just a little more.

I don't like all this change, I am scared. What if I can't do the nursing program? What if I am not smart enough to handle all the things you have to memorize and the Latin names for everything and all the abbreviations? I don't even know where I'll end up going to school yet. The thought of moving away to go to school where I don't know anyone terrifies me. I hate the thought of leaving my animals, my friends, my community, and my mom alone. I know she will be fine...will I, I wonder. I know I should be excited, I should be looking forward to great things that the Lord has in store, I should be looking at all the people I might meet along the way but right now change scares me and I feel completely overwhelmed with the thought of going somewhere new by myself and being even more alone. I am aware that I am never really completely alone, that God is always with me but sometimes I am weak and wish for human companionship in a different way. Right now I wish I had someone who would hold me and tell me they love me, it's all a bad dream, it's not really happening and I am not really facing all these decisions and my future is looking pretty clear. I know I shouldn't be such a baby because I know thousands of people make big changes all the time and there are millions of single people out there who are very happy. Somehow at the moment that doesn't seem to be helping...It will be ok...I will make it through this...and one day I'll look back and wonder why I was so scared, why I dreaded it so much. I will probably look back on these years and say "Wow I really had a good life then...things were so interesting and full and I wouldn't mind being 27 again!"

Now that I have sobbed my way through writing this post I am quite tired and should go to bed. Aren't you thankful that most of the time I have sane moments and don'e ask these kinds of questions??? :-) I know the tenor of this post might surprise some of you and I am sorry to have made you read such a plethora of questions you can not answer.

Merry Christmas Everyone

I know I haven't been to good at posting anything interesting lately but its not because I haven't been thinking of all you or not doing anything interesting!
I made a decision this year to not worry about buying christmas gifts since I am going to Hawaii in a few weeks and I know I'll see things there that I want to buy things. Saving my money till then! That has made this holiday season stress free. I went to the Lights of Christmas display in Stanwood, went to the Holiday ice show at the skating rink, I baked holiday cookies with some kids I baby-sit for, watched christmas movies, listened to tons of Christmas music, went to three holiday "parties", organized one for my residents at Birchwood manor and just generally enjoyed the mood of the season without the stress. I have seen things I wanted to get for people but have refrained. (I had better see some pretty good stuff in Hawaii though or I am going to be really dissapointed!) Many nights that I have worked there have been carolers come through the nursing home and I always sing along! It's definetly fun. I feel a little bad that I didn't get cards sent out but I can't to everything so those will have to wait till next year I guess.

I have done a little shopping for the cruise and yesterday I found a wonderful two piece formal outfit in lavender at Lables for under $15! I wanted something Hawaii worthy...the black and long sleeves that I wore for a fall cruise to Alaska just wouldn't work this time! Just needs a little alteration and it will be perfect!

Other than that I have just worked, worked, slept and worked some more! I am going to be changing directions in the new year and probably going back to school, moving on to a new job and maybe working on a book. More about those things as they develop.
In the mean time I want to wish all of you a very blessed and wonderful Christmas.

All you local people, I have the 26th and the 2nd off so let's plan on doing something! Hint, hint!

The Gift

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND SOON DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan.
Of course this poem made me cry and so I had to share!